Cries Of The Heart

I awoke on a rainy evening. I was on the sofa, alone in the house. I rubbed my eyes and let out a long sigh.

Back into reality. Back into my misery. 

I shivered. I was so cold. Even so, I would not move. Something was wrong. Something always felt wrong.

If only.. Just only.. I knew what it was.

The red curtains were draped over the windows, casting gloomy, dark red shadows around the house and making the atmosphere even more sombre and melancholic.

The pattering of the rain on the window-sill was the only reminder that there was an outside world. At times like this, I wished I hadn't woken up from my dream in the first place. In dreams, nothing mattered.

No problems.. and no worries.

Reality is a tad bit more cruel.

In perfection, there are flaws. In happiness, there is sadness. In truths, there are lies. In love, there is hate.

I've always believed that fantasies will always come true at the end of the day. That happily ever afters do exist. Yet, I'm still awaiting mine. Awaiting the day when the uneasiness in my heart would finally disappear.

I lied back down on the sofa and closed my eyes. Until that day, I suppose i'd rather be with myself and my dreams. A chill ran through my body and I shivered again.

I let out another sigh and let the darkness reclaim me. Releasing my grasp on reality, I hoped that when I awake again, the sun would welcome me. Though I won't bet on it.

-Izzat R.

Surreal Reality

I screamed and sat bolt upright, drenched in cold sweat from heat to toe. Good, it was only a nightmare. I looked around my room. Everything seemed to be normal and in place. My clock read 6.30am. I let out a deep long sigh. I never want to go back to wherever it was I dreamt of. It was a recurring nightmare, one I wish could stop. My parents have brought me to a psychiatrist many times, but to no avail. The dreams kept on coming, more and more vivid every time.

I tried to get the horrible picture out of my mind, and got out of bed. After having my morning shower, I got dressed, had a light breakfast, and headed off to college. Everything was routine and nothing seemed out of the norm. I smiled to myself and the fear started to disappear. I entered the lecture hall and sat in the front row, right before the lecturer came in.

I took out my notebook and got ready to actually work my mind for once. To get my head straight. As soon as the lecturer started his lesson, I felt something amiss. He was teaching us about the mass spectrometer, something we just completed only a week ago. I let it pass, maybe he just wanted to do a revision.

I opened my Chemistry notebook, looking for the notes I took down during our lesson on this topic. Something caught in my throat as I realised the notes weren’t there. They just vanished. I started looking around at my peers, wondering if anyone else was as confused as I was. Everyone looked perfectly fine, no hesitation whatsoever to continue in the lesson.

It was then I noticed something wrong. Across the hall from where I sat, I saw her. It was someone I couldn’t help but crush on, but I never admitted it. I was in denial. However, she died only a few days back in a horrible freak accident no one dared speak of. So, why was she here now?

A sharp pain unlike any other suddenly shot up my right arm. I let out a blood-curdling scream. I looked around for help. Impossible. No one in the hall seemed to notice. Everyone was concentrating on the lecture despite my screams that echoed as if I was in a small, confined room. I grabbed hold of my right arm with my left, and looked at it to find the cause of the pain. It was getting unbearable.

Then, the hall around me began to fade to grey. My right arm flickered in and out of existence like an unstable television transmission. The pain was at an excruciating level now, and suddenly, I wasn’t in the lecture hall anymore. I was in a small, grey room. It was completely empty besides a plain bed. Oh God, not this dream again. The room was slightly different the last time I was here however. The walls and bed sheets were splattered with blood, and the stench of it hung heavily in the room. Where am I?

I screamed. Pain took over my being again as I slumped to the edge of the room. I felt a warm, sticky liquid on the side of my face, and I knew exactly what it was. I tried to wipe it off with my right arm, but nothing happened. I tried again, still nothing. I couldn’t even feel my arm anymore. What was happening to me?

I painfully stood up on my legs and at once, noticed another person in the room. He was looking straight at me and I was scared out of my wits. This boy had incredibly unkept hair and a look of delusion on his face. The way he was grinning at me was a sign of pure madness. His eyes were empty, as if all light had been drained out of him. This boy was obviously the source of all the blood. The sides of his mouth were smothered with blood and flesh hung from his teeth. The white overalls he wore were now drenched in red. Worst of all, there was nothing in the place where his left arm was supposed to be. The flesh at the elbow where the rest of the arm was supposed to connect to was so deformed that it was as if it was chewed off by something.

A trail of blood let to a piece of mutilated flesh behind him which I recognised was his arm. I looked at his face again. He was still grinning, wilder than ever. I knew he was going to kill me. It was in his eyes. I stepped backwards slowly in fear. One step, two steps, three steps. Suddenly my leg struck something and I jumped. I looked down. It was an arm. I felt like throwing up. I knew exactly what was happening. I looked down at my right arm. It was gone. I looked into the mirror again. The boy in it was smiling madly. I knew it had to be me.

The door to the room burst open and people in white rushed in. “He’s awake! Grab him!”, one of them yelled. Unconsciously, a growl escaped my throat and I jumped towards the men, aiming for their throats. Something struck my head and I blacked out.

*********************************************************************

I screamed and sat bolt upright, drenched in cold sweat from heat to toe. Good, it was only a nightmare. I got out of my bed, and suddenly a sense of déjà vu washed over me. I ran into the toilet and looked at myself in the mirror. No blood. Good. I really need to set up another appointment with the psychiatrist regarding these dreams.

I held up my right hand to grab my toothbrush, but there was one problem. My arm wasn’t there. All that was left was a bloody stub. I screamed as the toilet faded around me.

-Izzat R.

The Music Of Life

A beautiful symphony was playing. It was a never-ending song, one of both joy and pain. Never ending, and never pausing. The music was played so intricately and so passionately. Yet, it was not like any music ever composed before. This was a soundless piece, played by no orchestra, and played with not a single instrument. I paused a moment in my tracks to listen. It rang loudly in my ears, yet it made no sound at all.

The music had been playing the same movement a lot of the late. One of which I struggled to comprehend. In the background, I heard a joyous sound, played by the violins for the cheerful soul. Playing the unmistakable sound of both the warm summer evening and the flowery bloom of spring combined. The music was accentuated and completed by the chirping of the flute and the calling of the piano. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the warmth that spread through my being. It was a feeling of acceptance, a feeling of welcoming.

Whilst enjoying the piece, I failed to notice minor changes in the music. They were sudden changes, but so subtle it was, that the music continued beautifully. Unwavering, the music went on. Only this time, there was a different atmosphere to it all. The violins were still playing, but it was only now that I noticed a change of key. The flute has stopped playing, and replaced by the melancholic sound of the cello.

It didn’t make sense to me. How can something equally beautiful as the last, be so hurtful and full of sorrow? I opened my eyes, and immediately the music ceased. I chose to ignore the playing music, for now. It was not that it wasn’t played well, no. The music has always been perfect, so full of emotion and depth. I just felt a need to pause the symphony. At least until I was ready to handle the burden.

It’s ironic how something so contradictory, happiness and hurt, can stand side-by-side separated by only a very fine line. One can delve into either, and not notice until it’s too late. At times, the line can even blur out and the two coincide, but barely just. None gaining power over the other, and neither fighting for control. It is, and has always been, up to me, the conductor, to decide which one takes form.

It was a never-ending song, one of both joy and pain. A concerto of the heart. Played by one, assisted by many, but controlled by only me. I closed my eyes and the music played once more. It was time I took control of my life. It was time we all did.

-Izzat R.

The Journey

My face broke through the surface of the thick black liquid. I spluttered and gasped for the sweet air that now seemed so far away. I got pulled back under. Eyes streaming tears of pain and sadness, I attempted one final break using what felt like the very last ounce of my energy. After flailing around for what seemed like an eternity, I let my body go limp. Why should I fight for dear life? When I've got no one to share it with.

The darkness spread it's icy arms open to welcome my being. It surrounded me from all sides. Pressing the light, the air, and my very soul out of me. I squeezed my eyes shut, because for the very first time, I let myself be subjected to the darkness. My only regret right then, was that I was going to leave without a trace. Nobody would even realise I was gone. Nobody would care.

Just as I let my last breath escape my lips, something flashed before my eyes. Even with my eyes shut, I saw it clearly. Gossamer threads of light danced around my body. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to reach out for them. But my body was so weak, I couldn't move a muscle. Something deep inside my heart told me this wasn't over yet. The threads of light performed one last elegant sweep around my body and converged to form a ball of light. A light of Hope.

Then I heard a whisper. "Not now.. We need you.." I forced my lips to move and form a reply but to no avail. But my mind whispered back, "I can't. Not anymore. I'm too weak."

An answer I never expected came back to me, "Then we'll help. We're here for you." And just like that, the ball of light vanished into the darkness.

Almost at once, I felt a numb tugging sensation. My body was being pulled away from the darkness, astonished at not being able to keep me in its clutches. I didn't know when I broke the surface, but air rushed back into my lungs and I felt more alive than I have ever been. I stumbled, and I fell, body still weak and nauseated. I heard the voice again, "Don't worry. We're here for you. You'll be okay.." It was only this time that I realised that it wasn't just one voice. It was many voices talking in unison.

The same tugging sensation overcame my body and I found myself back on my feet. When I opened my eyes, I saw people. Not a few, but many. Hundreds maybe. All looking at me, wearing smiles of relief, but all different in their own ways. Each one unique.

But one thing about all of us are the same. We're all covered in the same black liquid that I was just rescued from. Some little, some covered from head to toe, but each and every one of us was stained. "Come on, we still got a long way to go, and we need you." The person closest to me said with his hand stretched out to me. I smiled, grabbed it, and followed on the journey of life.

I saw then, that each and every one of us have went through our own share of hardships. Some not so much, and some went through unbearable tragedies. Alone, we are weak. Alone, we can never go far. But together, we share those hardships, we overcome them together, and hand-in-hand, we can go beyond the horizon and reach our dreams. I looked at all the familiar faces around me. Each with different dreams. Each with different goals. And each with different problems of their own. But we live under one sky, we walk on the same earth, and we face the same direction. Forward. 

I was wrong. My friends DO care..

-Izzat R.

Words

A ghost of a hand brushes against my right shoulder. For the first time in years, I slowly bring myself to look up, to take in my surroundings. Nothing has changed at all. Nothing has changed since the day I crawled into this dark corner of my mind.

I feel numb. I have lost all sense of feeling as the years passed by. I don’t feel the cold rainfall upon my back anymore. Time is not a factor. It has never been a factor at this very familiar part of my dark mind. The twilight thunderstorm continues raging across the empty, barren field. Patches of dead grass remain scattered across the land.

I look down again at my notebook as I sit against the only tree as far as the eye can see. The skinny, leafless tree that has always loomed above me. Its lifeless fingers of branches which look like they’re constantly threatening to end my miserable, pointless life.

I lift my pen and scrawl the last words of the poem I am writing. My notebook, pen, and the words I write are the only friends I have. I have written hundreds, maybe thousands of poems and stories. But just as the poem I just finished, the rain washes away and smudges all the words as soon as they are formed. Not a single word is ever left legible for anyone to read, which doesn’t matter as I never let anybody into this part of my mind anyway.

I slowly turn the page to avoid tearing the rain-soaked pages. I write the title at the top and prepare myself to start another poem. I continue writing for the sole reason that words are the only way I have to express myself and my feelings.

Words have always been reliable friends. They have always been able to describe how I felt and sometimes, what I wanted to convey. They have made me see the world in a different way. How reality is cold and dark, and that I truly am alone in this world.

Two lightning bolts crackle and strike the land some few hundred yards away as the thunder roars across this world, forever frozen in twilight. I continue my poem as the rain smudges out everything I’m writing. My numb state not registering the icy cold anymore as my breath forms in front of my face.

I feel a hand brush my shoulder again, more urgently this time. For the first time ever, I lay my notebook and pen on the ground beside me. I see something out of place immediately. On the ground right in front of where I am sitting, there grew a flower. Not just any flower. The most beautiful flower I have ever seen, its petals a stunning yellow.

I tilt my head in confusion at the appearance of the only colour in the dull, grey world. I slowly got up on my long-unused legs to look for the disturbance. The world is still its usual, grey self. The only exception being the flower.

I bend down to touch the bright, yellow flower. As my fingers stroke the soft petals, something strikes me like a rock. It is dry. The absence of the rainfall did not hit me earlier because its pattering on my back has become second nature to me. Now that I notice the missing thunderstorm, it is easier to see the ray of sunlight breaking through the clouds, lighting up the grey world.

As the sun starts shining brighter and brighter, I see that I have been wrong. The land was not dead, as I thought it was. Lush green grass and beautiful flowers carpet the land. Their colour constantly bleached by the dull colour of the sky before. The tree was also not what it seemed before. Leaves and bright red fruits cover its branches as I start hearing the chirping of birds.

This change is very disorienting. It had always been the way it was before because I have never let anything or anyone into my life. What is making everything the way it is now? I sigh and bend down again to reclaim my notebook and pen.

It took a few seconds to realize that my book is missing. Only grass is there, where I lay my notebook. I start to panic. All my work is in there. Even though they are unreadable, it is still very precious to me. I start to look around the field but the book is nowhere to be found.

Then, as unlikely as it may seem, a soft giggle catches my attention. That’s impossible! Nobody could ever enter this part of my mind. I look over to the tree, where the giggle came from. I walk over to the other side of the tree, and standing there with my notebook open in her hands, is a girl.

I stare at her dumbfoundedly as she flips through my notebook and seems to understand what I have written. She then flips to an empty page and scrawls something inside. When she is done, she closes the book and looks straight at me with her beautiful eyes. She laughs and hands the book back to me.

I take it from her, very hesitantly. I touch the book all over, to make sure it is mine. The red cover definitely matches my book, but it is dry. I open the book and start flipping through the pages. My breath catches in my throat as I examine my work. Everything is there. All my poems and stories are perfectly intact, as though the words have never been touched by water before.

I finally reach the final page and I see something not written by me. Scribbled all over the page was a big ‘I

As we walk across the open field, I realise something that will change my life forever. This girl had entered my mind and showed me everything the way it really is. Not the dark, twilight thunderstorm I have been living. But the bright, sunny day it really is. She had very easily entered my life when nobody else could and changed it without me noticing. She had read my heart like and open book when I thought I could keep it to myself when I washed away the words. And most importantly, I found out that there is one thing that could never be described by words. One thing that could never be structured into a sentence. That one thing that I could never express in a poem or story, is how much I love this girl. And as I see her cradling my red book in her arms, I know for sure, that my heart will always be safe with her… Now… and forever…

-Izzat R.