Not Yet

Not again. There weren’t any words to describe how I felt as I walked into my greenhouse and saw my single purple rose on the dirt, wilted. Was I angry? Sad? Disappointed? Was there even a tinge of relief? Or a mix of all of it? I really had no clue. I didn’t have time to feel anything, because it happened too quickly. It made no sense. It was a beautiful, blooming flower yesterday and suddenly it’s gone. I sighed, knelt on the ground, and cursed the universe for doing this to me again. For making me go through all the effort just to be rewarded with the same results. My hands were torn apart from the rose’s thorns from tending to it every single day. I did not mind. Not one bit. All I wanted was for this one to stay alive.

The greenhouse was huge, but I make it a point to only ever keep one plant in it at a time. A flowering plant with a single bloom. The reason is that I never had green fingers. Everything I grew always died. If I can’t take care of one plant, why get more? But I never gave up. I always tried my best. With every new flower, I improved myself. I tended them with more care. I used better soil and better fertilizers. I’m not lying when I thought it would actually work this time.

Then I realised something. I hated myself. I hated myself because as I thought I was getting better at it, I got more attached to the bloom. I started giving it all my time, all my energy, and all my heart. Maybe this time, I just didn’t expect to be disappointed.

I let out a little chuckle. Josie was right after all. I should always be prepared to be disappointed. Oh, I could hear her taunting me already, with her “I told you so” and “Why don’t you ever listen?”

Slowly, I rose back to my feet. Josie’s going to tease me good, I can tell, but I sure as hell am going to shut her up once and for all. I’ll show her that one day, I can grow and tend to a flower so well, that I will never see it wilt till the day I die.

But here comes the hard part.

After every flower wilted, I returned to The Garden in search for a new one. I hated The Garden for two reasons. The first was that I could never search for the flower I wanted without hurting myself on thorns in the process, or crushing some along the way. The second was that it took too long for me to find a flower worthy for me to bring back to my greenhouse. My last search went on for more than a year.

I took a deep breath and walked out of my greenhouse. Before I knew it, I was at the edge of The Garden. I surveyed the place, and made myself a vow. A vow I made every single time. But this time, I will make it happen. I swear. The next time I step out of there will be my last. The next bloom I carry home doesn’t have to be perfect – they never are – but I’ll make sure I’ll care for it until my dying breath. I’ll make sure that each and every day of that bloom’s life would only ever be filled with sunshine. But if it gets dark and cold, I would sit there with it – shivering with it instead of keeping myself warm. I know I’m stupid. It’s just a flower. But what can I say. We do stupid things for those we care about.

Josie would laugh her head off if she knew what’s going on in my head.

-Izzat R.